Curious: Both Beginnings and Endings
by AbbieNormal182
Summary: So many thoughts run through the mind of the Doctor. Series of oneshots.
1. Curious Endings

Curious Endings

Curious thing, the Doctor thought. Terribly curious that he'd fallen in love with a human. He'd gone over nine centuries without getting close to another living creature. _I used to have so much mercy_, he'd told an alien once; a Krillitane bent on taking over the world. True enough. What he'd developed in the last while with Rose was something like mercy… but different.

Odd, that he'd come so close to losing her, _so_ many times. When he'd finally lost her, it wasn't quite as painful as he'd expected. They would never be together again, but he knew that she was safe, and that she would eventually be happy. Perhaps she loved him, but the best part of humans was their inevitable ability to bounce back from absolutely heart-wrenching tragedy. It never disappeared, of course, but after a time they no longer allowed it to control them. They moved on with their day to day lives.

That was one thing that the Doctor could not say for himself. He had been carrying the weight of the Time War on his shoulders for such a very long time, and would continue to do so until his genuine dying day.

In regards to Rose, he had wondered so many things. He loved her, obviously. She loved him. If he'd been human, they would've done the natural thing… get married and have loads of little brats. Would she still love him if he wasn't a Time Lord? If he couldn't travel throughout time and space as if the logical laws of nature didn't exist? Perhaps. Perhaps not.

The Doctor had often wondered. His father had been a Time Lord, and his mother a human. Stupid man, his father. Stupid, and brilliant all at once. What would happen if the half-breed had a child with a human? Half a Time Lord and a pure blood human. It didn't actually matter; it was just one of the things that had floated through his mind during the silent times of his existence. The point was that she would still die.

He had never had a dilemma of this nature before, and now, without it ever having truly began, the problem was solved. One way or another. Like not being sure you wanted to buy something expensive, and then not having enough money when you _do_ go to buy it, he mused, lapsing into human analogies as he often found he had to do to get points across to her.

Intriguingly inquisitive, that was Rose all over. The first time he had ever met her, surrounded by shop window mannequins, and she just kept asking questions. Of course, he hardly answered any of them. He had been busy saving the world. So much time later (and still so little, it seemed), he'd changed himself to save his own life. Once again, he hardly explained the process to her at all. He was quite daft, really. He should've at least said to her_: I'm regenerating_. At least that. She would've been able to deduce her own conclusions. But no, he'd blathered on like an idiot, talking about dogs with no noses, trying to quell her panic amidst his pain.

He would remember her, just as he remembered every single one of his Companions since the Time War. The only thing was that he would never forget a single nuance of her personality, never forget a single look she'd given him, and never _ever_ forget the way she said his name with exactly the right inflection to make him want to dance with joy or weep with sorrow. That was different. He'd forgotten those almost unimportant things about the others, but he knew that Rose would haunt him for the rest of his life.

He had three more regenerations. It was quite likely that those three would take him another three to four hundred years. He had many options available to him, each as unsavoury as the last, without her beside him squeezing his hand in childish anticipation. He could continue as he always had, moving along and saving as many people as he could from the evils of the universe. He could find himself a nice planet and grow old and eccentric there away from everyone and everything. He could simply stay within his faithful Tardis and wait. Waiting. What a disgusting notion. He was terrible at waiting. Always had been.

He would not give up. He was a Time Lord after all, he had a duty and surrender was not in his nature. More importantly, she wouldn't want him to give up. She would want him to fight to his last breath, and he would. The Doctor would not give up hope, and he would not forget.

_It hasn't felt like this before.  
__It hasn't felt like home, before you.  
__I know it's easy to say, but it's harder to feel this way.  
And I miss you more than I should, than I thought I could,  
__Can't get my mind off of you._

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Author's Note: The lyrics at the end are from "Fear You Won't Fall" by Joshua Radin. Give it a listen, it's just beautiful.

Also, I'm perfectly aware that this doesn't follow a proper train of thought, but since when did anyone think in a perfect sequence? I thought it fit, at any rate.

Abby


	2. All He Ever Wanted

There they stood, he and Rose, wind whipping at their hair and the sand smooth beneath their feet. Bad Wolf Bay. Fate was never what it seemed to be. She would never know the effort that he was going through to keep a calm demeanor. He truly believed that it would hurt them both more if he allowed the gut-wrenching sorrow to surface. In an effort to look at the better points of the situation, he muttered "Still got Mr. Mickey, then." That sounded good. Almost light-hearted.

Rose almost smiled through the distress. "There's five of us now. Mum, Dad, Mickey and… the baby."

Just like that, the Doctor felt as if someone had socked him in the stomach (and to be honest, he was nine hundred years old, so he knew exactly what that felt like). He needed to gasp for air, or be sick, and he wasn't sure which one. There were two options available, the rational part of his brain told him. The emotional part told him that neither were acceptable. First off, it might be Mickey's. Not exactly satisfactory. Mickey seemed like a good man, but the Doctor always thought Rose would end up with someone… else. Was he jealous? In these last few moments, he could admit to that, so perhaps he was jealous. Unfortunately, the only other option existing was that Rose's child was _his_; the Doctor's.

At the words 'the baby', the Doctor had a fleeting vision of Dihadlean, home of the Cissotorates. He and Rose had done the usual (with the help of a couple of the locals, he supposed): defeated the alien insurgents that were bent on destroying the planet. Dihadlean had the most beautiful sky Rose had ever seen, she'd told him as they lay in the grass drinking some sort of fruity tasting cocktail type thing. How he'd wished he could've shown her the Gallifreyan sky… The drink was mildly alcoholic, and she'd kissed him in the dim light. His oral perception was fantastic, and he knew that she wasn't actually drunk. After a moment, he'd dismissed it. If she wanted to pretend to be drunk and kiss him, that was okay with him. Long story short, it turned into something that the Doctor had never intended, regardless of how he felt about Rose. It had ended with the most awkward moment he had ever had with her, centered around getting dressed and hoofing it back to the Tardis, where he quickly distracted the both of them from the one thing they couldn't think about.

After what seemed like hours just staring at her in shock (but in reality was only a few seconds) one corner of his mouth tipped up just the tiniest bit and he said "You're not." Question or statement, he couldn't be sure. What was he hoping for? If it was his… No, no, it couldn't be his. He almost didn't want to know if it was his. His child with a woman that he'd fallen madly in love with, and he would never see either of them again. This would be it. This would be the last time he would spend with his child. He felt like screaming, like crying, like pleading with the universe. The time between his question and her answer was some of the most painful moments he had ever experienced throughout his nine hundred years. It would be better if it was Mickey's, he decided. The child would have a father. That's more than I could give to Rose and her baby.

Rose laughed just the tiniest bit. "No." She said finally. "Mum. Three months gone, more Tyler's on the way."

Relief washed over the Doctor like a wave of ocean brine, strongly laced with disappointment, although to be perfectly honest, he had no right to be disappointed. He had escaped the guilt that would accompany the situation; the guilt of not being there for his love and her child. Still though... Nothing practical could stop him wanting the most normal of lives with the most beautiful of women he'd ever known.

It seemed his entire life was tied up in mixed emotions, everything from the Time War to Rose having his child. He just wished it would all stop, because all he'd ever, _ever_, wanted was for everything he saw to be crystal clear. It never was, though, and so he'd move forward and continue making choices. Some of them would be right, some of them would be wrong, but there was no one to judge him anyway. His kind was dead and Rose was gone forever.

Life would always move forward, whether he was ready for it or not.


End file.
